蔓旅舍

       越来越像吸血鬼一样害怕天亮。每天晚上躺到床上，想起一睁眼就又是白天，又是新的一天就觉得很恐惧。时间越来越紧，快要养不活自己了。我已经不知道还可以做什么，怎么做……我是真的那么糟糕吗？也许像我这样的人...

What am I doing right now? Leaving New York , my friends, and everything I've built here in the past two year and go to St. Louis, a place have nothing going on, for a man that probably doesn't even love me. Am I insane? But what should I do now? ...

日渐发现自己似乎有种嗜血的天性，对内的嗜血的天性。我用力地咬上手腕，似乎感觉自己拥有吸血鬼般的獠牙，可以咬开动脉，吸取自己的鲜血。可是只留下了浅浅的牙印。

喉咙不时可以感觉顶着脖子的利刃，眼前仿佛看见自己割开喉咙，划开手...

Sometimes, I think I should go see a shrink, but the word always brings back the horrible stories I heard. The crazy shrinks that tell their patients to forget everything that breaks their hearts, or laugh at and turn their backs to the real problems they need to deal with.

          I am well aware of our human beings' self-defense mechanisms...

       The re is a yearning for blood stiring in my stomach recently. A yearning for my own blood. I want to cut myself, stab into my chest, and drag the knife downwards. Let myself bath in my own blood. I will sit at corner and look at how my blood craw along every little the crack in the floor like rivers.

Never talk to him again, online or over the phone. If he does not miss me or wants to talk to me. There will be no need for me to try anymore. Just let it go. There is only one person I can rely on and think about.

He does not worth it. This pers...

       如果我不在了，离开了，死了，你会发现吗？你会在意吗？你真的希望我过去吗？答应你会过去的时候，是因为我相信你是 真心这样期待的。可是为什么最近我觉得你似乎其实无所谓呢？

      我是个很好的听众，富有同理心，热心帮别人想办法。可是当你们每个人都跟我倾诉，倒苦水的时候，有没有人想过，其实我正一直压抑着所有的负面情绪，努力欢笑呢？

      再一次听到这首歌，虽然不是原唱，可是遮起眼睛，看到的仍是第一次听到这首歌的情形：独自一人面对着电视，即将完结的旅程，未知的前路，分离四散的恐 惧……

      我 不要做烂好人，坚决不要做这种心软容易骗被利用表面善良实则笨蛋的烂好人。我要当个面慈心恶，豆腐嘴刀子心的大恶婆。

       可是……

When is 2012 coming?

The world is going to end according to the calendar of the people used to live in Coba. Will it? I actually do not care.I kind of hoping for it.

The Egyptians got what they want, at least for the first step. The president stepped down. It is great for them to get democracy. However, I kept wondering about the museums, pyramids, and the houses near the sea. I wonder who robed them

      “我 很羡慕你。”真的，我很羡慕你们，可以为了活下去而活下去。而我，却从小学开始思考为什么要活着，为生存寻找理由。我不能理解为什么你们不需要理由，但是 却莫名地感到羡慕。

      我好累，好累，你在哪里？你真的会出现吗？你真的存在吗？我要在哪里找到你？每次我都付出真心，，每次我都用心相信，可是为什么最后却总是被欺骗？都说纯真可贵，可是真的有人珍惜它吗？每个人都有最爱他/她的人。爱到无法接...

Could you believe how much
depression such pure colours could create

--the colours that have never been mixed
with others?

It
draged my soul down.

I tried to look at life and found it looking right back at me.

It shu...

  
     昨天躺在床上，突然想起很多年前跟英英和径径去书吧。我记得英英挑了一本各种有趣杂文的合集，里面还有一篇是介绍各国XX的文章。径径挑了一本教做甜品的
精美食谱，yogurt啊，雪糕啊什么的。我自然是没有口福吃到，不知道武松有没有...

      所谓习惯，很多时候都有培养的一方，与被培养的一方。可是这其实很有可能是一个互相培养的过程，有意或者无意的。比如说A想让B习惯每天有早餐，于是天天
去买，在B习惯有早餐的同时，A可能也会习惯给B买早餐。再比如C想每天和D...

      好久没有听《雪糕车》了。一峰轻拍琴弦的声音还是一下下地拍在我的心上，不过大概是在不一样的地方了吧……春燕推荐的歌，在川大时的最爱之一……再重听，
已经不可能是当年纯粹对音乐的欣赏。回忆让我能听...

      遠遠看去時，那是一棵有著筆直樹幹的椰子樹，或者是一片秋天的楓葉，發著溫暖的光。慢慢地，離得近了，便可以看出葉子上方方正正地蔓著的脈絡了。中間還有隱約可見的葉肉，帶著或濃或淡的橘紅色的光。在這片楓葉上在發生著甚麼樣的故事呢？朋友們小心翼翼又肆無忌憚地聊著身邊的八卦，快步向前走；情侶們肩並肩拉著手，面對面坐著傾吐著情話，互訴著衷腸；先生或太太被堵在了回家的路上，對著電話跟家人傾倒煩躁的心情，靠想像等著自己的美味住家飯跟兒女的擁抱，聊以自慰；落單的人...

      前天房东太太跟我说，这个学期结束我得住别的地方了……一开始的时候，当然是吃了一惊，而且开始担心，紧张，害怕。虽然之前其实时不时也想要搬走，因为房东太太帮助式的租房间给我，其实有很多地方都不方便。例如不好让朋友来玩，也不好收留别人。但是事到临头，感觉就变了，因为时间定死了，一切就显得很有压迫感。不过其实细细想想，这一天从一开始就是定了的。从一开始，房东太太就是有想帮我的意思，才让我住下的。...

        He wants me back, he doesn't want me back. I am not sure anymore. He said He loves me and broke up with his girl friend, for their own problem this time. But he doesn't want to start with me now. What does e want?

        Candy-smell boy doesn't seem to be anything better. He is back with his ex, but didn't tell me or show anything until I told him about Chris wanting me back.

       Pieces of shit. Everthing seems so meaningless now. Everything. I feel like I've been stocked by my own fear. I don't even know what I want them to do now. I just want to be sure about something and a new and fresh start. Why can't these people just let me have it? If you do love me, why the hell don't you fight for me? Say it, do it, and I'll be yours. Or you just don't dare to do anything? Cowards!! I hate all of you!!

    这个学期的observation总算是结束了，起码我是决定不再去了。不用一个礼拜三天，早上六点半就跟枕头作斗争；不用因为担心上厕所很麻烦，连水都不敢多喝；不用随便应付午饭，还能睡午觉……Hooray！！终于做满100个小时observation的时候，我急急忙忙离开教室，连上完上午最后一节课的耐性都没有，就冲去找Ryan签名了。心情那是一个舒爽啊，我几乎是非常丢脸地蹦着走出学校的。

    ……

    但是，为什么我还是觉得没能说再见，是一件很让人遗憾的事呢……

      He just told me that his mother got diabete and she needed to have her kiney washed tonight... That is why he was out for such a long time. I am so sorry that I cannot help him. I am so sorry that he doesn't seem to want my help anymore. I am so sorry that I don't know how to tell him that I know more about how this feels than he tought because my father died when I was 14 and my mother had cancer and had to have a surgery when I was preparing for my entrance exam to get into the master program, half an year ago. I am sorry that I don't know how to let know all of these and understand that I can really help... Dear Candy-Smell-Boy if you can let me in a me little bit, if you can try to know me a little more, you will know that I am different from who you think I am. If you hadn't been so cold to me on Q and stopped saying good night to me and had tried to be a friend for a longer time, maybe you would have known better, and maybe I can give you the shoulder and the ears that you need right now, which I would always do. I wish you let me help...

    My observation today was so boring. It reminded me how I felt during my second week there, before I talked to him. I was so sleepy in the morning and kept asking for 5 more minutes from my alarm, and I was so bored in some of the classes. It was him that made me excited about going there. Isn't amazing how fast people can forget things? It has been about only a month, and I had already completely forgot about my whole observation exprereince before knowing him. And how time flies when you are happy. It has been over a month since I first talked to him, and I thought it was only a couple of weeks. But, anyway, now I am back on my own again. I don't know if it was becuase the fact I was bored and had plenty of time to be sentimental for I skip Ms. Akiyama's class, or I just missed him, the school felt so different without him. Is it OK for me to do that? I heart almost stopped when I mistook someone had the similar hair colour as him. Oh Gosh, how did this happen? I miss him. I has been trying to talk to him for professional reason, but he seems to be out the whole night since around 4 or 5. Or maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me... Where are you candy-smell boy? I miss you, like you said you miss me.

     不知不觉，原来我的blog已经三岁有多了~~蔓旅舍生日快乐~~

    I don't understand this.我还是看不懂人心的变化。一切都从万圣节的第二天开始，或者也许从万圣节那天晚上就开始了也不一定。总之，他不再找我说话了……

        我想回家，我真的好想回家~~但是我不能说，不能让别人知道，因为不想让朋友家人担心，因为我现在根本回不去~~出来是不是正确的选择，我永远不可能知道，因为不可能看到另一条路会通向哪里~~但是已经踏上来了，就没有回头的可能了~~所以只能继续往前走。可是我真的很想回家~~很想很想回家~~怎么才可以回家呢？一张机票就可以解决的事，为什么好像那么困难呢？我想回家……

       突然觉得好无奈……他很依赖我，但是却还是爱着她。无论我做什么都没有用。我到底做错了什么呢？为什么没有人爱我呢？为什么每个人都有人那么深地爱着，可是却没有人那样爱我呢？我要等到什么时候呢？不想等了可以吗？

     我不行了~~胸口好痛，透不过气~~手都软了。到底是为什么？有多久了，没有这样的感觉？徐沛？姚天舒？还是谁之后？记不清楚了。只知道真的好久……受不了了……为什么？好难受……找我，打给我，不要不理我……好难受……

    怎么办？怎么办？难道所有的一切都只是我的错觉吗？他根本没有喜欢过我？那么该怎么办呢？怎么办？所有的猜测，快乐，动摇都是我自己一个人的独角戏吗？爱一个人果然是一件很寂寞的事。因为爱情不是一个人的事，但是爱人却是只与自己有关事啊……

    我有什么该说而没说的吗？为什么总觉得缺了什么呢？是什么？到底是什么？好难过……好难受……怎么办？删掉就可以了吗？I'll be your girl, as long as you let me~~

    我在爱情正式开始之前就变心了吗？虽然心已经不可能回到他或者他身边了。但是对candy-smell boy的感情却在动摇。我们想要的生活似乎很不一样。我在生长在学院的环境，包围我就是那种书卷的氛围，也希望以后的生活也还是这样。而他想要的只是an easy way out。 如果只是他赛车，开车行的梦想，我会支持，但是警察作为正职……这没什么不好，也很实际，但是因为它处于权力中心的一部分，因为赚钱快，因为……我不知道。也许这就是摩羯跟双鱼的区别吧。我可以吗？面对这个，我真的可以接受吗？可以维持这样的感情吗？可以过这样的生活吗？这些问题似乎都太遥远，可是忍不住要考虑，这就是我的性格。他可以接受吗？

    I need faith not only in the relationship that has not even started yet, but also in love. Can he give me this, or at least help me to build it up?

    我真的不知道该说什么……我甚至不知道我在感觉什么……我知道他真的很依赖我，很黏我。因为我不去，他会给我打电话，问我是不是病了；因为在Q上他说话，我原因不明地一直没回，他会着急；因为他会说我不在他会不开心；因为他会像小孩子那样撒娇，让我关心他；因为他会关心我，让我早睡……可是说而已，会是真的吗？即使是，这又代表喜欢吗？是对异性的喜欢还是对姐姐的喜欢呢？会不会他其实并不喜欢我呢？或者只是救生圈？我是怎么都想不清楚。现在连自己是不是喜欢他也想不清楚了……